My Live UK Pole-Dancing Tour

SHANDI BEEVER:
We’re now five days into the Quixie TV UK tour, and so far it seems to be going well. Live club appearances are more fun than I imagined they’d be. I thought at first that I might have to meet Richard Lingham, but I’ve found a good system which ensures that’s not necessary.

When I arrive at a club I simply hand a photo of Richard to the security people and request that they punch him if he enters the venue. So far he’s entered three venues and been punched eighty-four times. There’s something quite therapeutic about twirling round a pole on a club stage, as you catch occasional glimpses of beefy security officers punching and slapping a man who’s paying to be your virtual boyfriend.

Vive la tour!


 
COMMENTS…

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

Shandi, I know you’ve always told me not to post on the blog, but your phone is permanently off and you’re not responding to emails. Please can you stop smashing up hotel rooms with a cricket bat, throwing televisions out of hotel windows and blowing up hotel toilets, as it’s costing approximately £40,000 per night and the hotels won’t let us re-book.

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Ah, just what I needed. My agent posting on my blog… NOT!… Have you ANY IDEA how boring these places are? There is literally NOTHING to do in any of these incomprehensibly grim excuses for hotels you’ve booked us into.

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

Has it not occurred to you that if you didn’t throw the televisions out of the window you could watch television?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

WE DON’T WANT TO WATCH TELEVISION! It’s all repeats and there’s no on-demand.

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

What about Strictly Come Dancing? I thought you liked that? You said it was exciting last Saturday.

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Why have chocolate, when you can have silk?

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

What does that mean?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Why watch Strictly Come Dancing when you can blow up a toilet?

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

You CANNOT blow up a toilet! That is the whole point! Quixie TV does not have the money to buy a new toilet for every hotel you stay in! And it’s not just the toilets that are costing money. For example, the blowback from one of the explosions has soot-caked a cabaret band’s matching suits. They’re charging us nearly £15,000 for replacements!

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Can’t they have them dry-cleaned?

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

Shandi, if you were performing cabaret in a hotel lounge, and someone blew up a toilet, causing a blowback which soot-caked your Versace strapless, would you have the dress dry-cleaned or demand a new one?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

You wouldn’t see the soot – it’s already black.

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

So you’d go around wearing a Versace dress that was caked in soot and random impurities from a lavatorial explosion??

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

I’m getting bored with this conversation.

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

Stop blowing up hotel toilets, throwing televisions out of windows, and hitting the furnishings with a cricket bat.

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Stop putting me in boring hotels.

Kevin Short (Fanboy Model Agency):
Agent

I’m not asking you, I’m telling you!

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Ditto.

Superteeth:
Idiot

shandi one way to releve bordom in a hotel wld b to debag room service

Advertisements