Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

SHANDI BEEVER:
I have been gladdened by the news that my virtual boyfriend Richard Lingham has finally sought help for his issues… Well, when I say he sought help, I mean he was tranquilised with a dart gun by the West Midlands Police, tied to a stretcher and pushed into a fruit loop centre on a giant wheelbarrow, obviously. But the point is that his issues are now being addressed, and that is good.

Richard’s situation was brought to a head after he caused a scene in a restaurant. Whilst Richard was eating his lunch, I blocked him on Twitter. In his anger he urinated on three plates of stir fry noodles, one pavlova, a beef and chilli taco and two mackerel salads. He also threatened to urinate on a vol-au-vent whilst under citizen’s arrest.

This morning, I received confirmation that Richard’s condition has been diagnosed. I know I have described him previously as “a twat”, and I will always think of him as “a twat”, but officially, medically, he is “a control freak trapped in the body of a beg”.

“Control freak trapped in the body of a beg” is apparently a more common condition than most people realise. Sadly, it is not curable, but the symptoms can be kept under control with the use of police forces and dart guns.


 
COMMENTS…

Calum Fossil:
Freelance Hack

Two separate newspapers have reported that he actually did urinate on the vol-au-vent – it wasn’t just a threat.

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Don’t believe everything you read in the papers.

WARBECK
Member

It’s true. The police have the vol-au-vent in a see-through plastic zip bag. It’s all over Twitter and Facebook.

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Oh well it must be true then.

Rod B Sandleman
Mun

Can anyone contact Richard to confirm? Or is he not allowed to use his phone?

Chuck
Member

He is allowed to use his phone but according to top journalists he’s urinated on it so it doesn’t work.

Melonseg:
Member

Which top journalists?

Chuck
Member

Kay Burley I think… or it might have been someone else.

Superteeth:
Idiot

shandi can i b ur virtule boyfriend now richrd is in a rubber room with an electrod strapt to his wanger

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