I have been gladdened by the news that my virtual boyfriend Richard Lingham has finally sought help for his issues… Well, when I say he sought help, I mean he was tranquilised with a dart gun by the West Midlands Police, tied to a stretcher and pushed into a fruit loop centre on a giant wheelbarrow, obviously. But the point is that his issues are now being addressed, and that is good.
Richard’s situation was brought to a head after he caused a scene in a restaurant. Whilst Richard was eating his lunch, I blocked him on Twitter. In his anger he urinated on three plates of stir fry noodles, one pavlova, a beef and chilli taco and two mackerel salads. He also threatened to urinate on a vol-au-vent whilst under citizen’s arrest.
This morning, I received confirmation that Richard’s condition has been diagnosed. I know I have described him previously as “a twat”, and I will always think of him as “a twat”, but officially, medically, he is “a control freak trapped in the body of a beg”.
“Control freak trapped in the body of a beg” is apparently a more common condition than most people realise. Sadly, it is not curable, but the symptoms can be kept under control with the use of police forces and dart guns.