The New Daytime Show: Naked In My Garden

Shandi Beever Live Front Garden Home Show 1

SHANDI BEEVER:
I’d just like to say a big thank you to all the many, many people who called our new naked daytime show today. We were informed late on 30th September that Quixie TV has sustained heavy losses over the summer. So much so, they’ve had to sell the studio. We were off air yesterday, but from today, all of our shows will be broadcast either from our homes, from parked cars, or from disinfected caravans with plastic sheeting over the furniture.

I was going to shoot my daytime show in my kitchen, but Richard Lingham is in there under citizen’s arrest for breach of restraining order, so I’m doing it in the front garden instead. I am truly grateful that so many of the guys who live in the neighbouring environs volunteered to take the day off work and help me with the filming for free. I’m sorry I couldn’t find actual jobs for all 446 of you, but thanks for turning up all the same.


 
COMMENTS…

Ed Case
Know-all

NAKED???!!! DAYTIME???!!!… Why were we not told about this? I missed this show and no one on the forums has recorded it.

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Good. It’s not really aimed at you.

Ed Case
Know-all

WTF???!!!… We’ve been asking for this for eight solid years!!!!

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

You never phone in, or text in, or buy me shit from my wishlist, or ever pay for anything, ever. You are not the market.

Ed Case
Know-all

Whoa!… Wait. I went to Amazon last night and your wishlist hath disappeareth. How can we get shit from your wishlist if it hath gone?!

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

If you were an actual fan, you would know that I moved my wishlist off Amazon FOUR MONTHS ago.

Superteeth:
Idiot

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

No. And before you all start with your wild assumptions, I simply felt that Amazon did not cater for the type of gift I sought.

Matthew Widehead
Single Guy

Where is your wishlist now?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Sally Grimm
Member

Shandi, I’m not being funny, but do you have any fans at all who actually pay for anything?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

No. I used to, but not anymore.

Sally Grimm
Member

What happened to the payers? Poached by other girls on Twitter?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

No, my security people locked them in industrial waste bins, and the bin men collected them and took them to Scotland.

Calum Fossil:
Freelance Hack

But you said your show got lots of calls. Who from, if not from fans?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Haters, complaining that their elderly mother can see my tits.

Calum Fossil:
Freelance Hack

Seriously? What do they say?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

No idea. We divert all the calls to another number.

Calum Fossil:
Freelance Hack

Which sends them where, exactly?

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Haven’t a clue.

Graham Gravey
Jobcentre Plus Manager

My name is Graham Gravey and I am a Senior Manager at Jobcentre Plus. We have received in excess of 1,400 phone calls, from people who say they were attempting to get in touch with this appallingly unentertaining television programme. Calls are still coming through from two separate menu options…

1. “My elderly mother can see someone’s tits and I want to complain”.

2. “I wish to hear hot girls at home talking about their flange”.

Please address this issue at once, or I shall report this to your regulator – Intercom – as a serious breach of telecommunications rules

SHANDI BEEVER
Admin

Intercom don’t give a shit unless we’re promoting weed comparison sites, eating improperly cooked beefburgers or talking about buying property in an overly smug manner. And this has nothing to do with me. The man need to speak to is on a cheap private plane between Kent and Aberdeen, in a crash helmet.

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