A Giant Biscuit in Space

Giant Biscuit in Space

SHANDI B:
I am thrilled to announce that I have sailed through my audition for the lead role in the forthcoming cinematic thriller A Giant Biscuit in Space. Jennings Buptaitus is directing the movie, so it promises to be a truly riveting piece of cinema.

As I say, this has made me very, very happy, so please resist your pathological urge to comment and express an opinion on everything, as it invariably makes me want to ram raid a technology store, fill a truck with Internet-compatible devices, and then drive it into a canal.


 
COMMENTS…

Matthew Widehead:
You’re playing the part of a giant biscuit?

SHANDI B:
What have I just said about commenting?

Matthew Widehead:
I wasn’t commenting or expressing an opinion. I was merely seeking to clarify whether or not you’re portraying a giant biscuit in the movie.

SHANDI B:
I have been given the LEAD role, not the TITLE role you absolute plank.

Matthew Widehead:
So you’re not the biscuit then?

SHANDI B:
Well why would a human being play the part of a biscuit??? Do you not think it might make slightly more sense, when attempting to represent a biscuit in a cinematic production, simply to use an actual biscuit?

Matthew Widehead:
If the biscuit just sits on a plate in a northern transport café in space, beside another plate which has a fried egg on it, then yes. But if the biscuit is a zombie trying to overthrow the government on Twitter, then no.

SHANDI B:
Right. If you were creating a character who was going to overthrow the government on Twitter, then realistically, would you make that character an oppressed proletarian firestarter hell-bent on class war and uprising, or a zombie biscuit in a transport café in space?

Matthew Widehead:
A zombie biscuit in a transport café in space.

SHANDI B:
Please do the world a favour and GET OFF THE INTERNET.

Matthew Widehead:
You still haven’t confirmed whether or not you’re the biscuit.

SHANDI B:
There is no actual biscuit in the movie. It’s a metaphor. So stop writing, stop talking, confine yourself to a small room and stay there. You are banned from this blog and will not be able to post again.

Gerald Fox:
Shandi; you are incorrect in stating that there is no biscuit in the movie. The screenplay has been leaked and published on Google+ and there is very clearly a biscuit in Scene 19, where Doctor Curveball is serving coffee to guests and the gardener’s lawnmower explodes.

SHANDI B:
You have read a WHOLE leaked screenplay to find out if there was a biscuit in it?

Gerald Fox:
No, only the first 19 scenes.

Superteeth:
is there tit’s in it mate

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