If Twitter Closed Down…

If Twitter Closed Down

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My Live UK Pole-Dancing Tour

SHANDI BEEVER:
We’re now five days into the Quixie TV UK tour, and so far it seems to be going well. Live club appearances are more fun than I imagined they’d be. I thought at first that I might have to meet Richard Lingham, but I’ve found a good system which ensures that’s not necessary.

When I arrive at a club I simply Continue reading My Live UK Pole-Dancing Tour

Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

SHANDI BEEVER:
I have been gladdened by the news that my virtual boyfriend Richard Lingham has finally sought help for his issues… Well, when I say he sought help, I mean he was tranquilised with a dart gun by the West Midlands Police, tied to a stretcher and pushed into a fruit loop centre on a giant wheelbarrow, obviously. But the point is that his issues are now being addressed, and that is good.

Richard’s situation was brought to a head after he Continue reading Control Freak Trapped in the Body of a Beg

Making a List Page on Wikipedia

Shandi Beever Wikipedia Page

SHANDI BEEVER:
In the wake of suggestions on a certain news site that all my fans are diabetic chavs whose tracksuit trousers don’t fit properly, my agent has set up a Wikipedia page to list all Shandi Beever fans who wear suits. If you are one of my fans and you wear a suit, please Continue reading Making a List Page on Wikipedia

Forons

Foron

SHANDI BEEVER:
A foron is a moron on an Internet forum. There are three basic types of foron. I shall now proceed to define them, in order of their categorisations: A, B and C. I shall then provide some choice examples of their behaviour…

The Type A Foron asks really stupid questions.

The Type B Foron Googles the really stupid questions asked by the Type A Foron, then pastes the top search result onto the forum, in the general manner of a dog who has just fetched a stick – whether or not that top result actually answers the question.

The Type C Foron is an interminable, opinionated know-all who never listens to anything and is therefore only capable of talking utter bollocks. The Type C Foron considers his opinion to be fact, even though literally no one agrees with it. Indeed, Type C Forons will interpret ALL responses to the bollocks they talk as agreement, however negative or contradictory they may be.

For example… Continue reading Forons

The New Daytime Show: Naked In My Garden

Shandi Beever Live Front Garden Home Show 1

SHANDI BEEVER:
I’d just like to say a big thank you to all the many, many people who called our new naked daytime show today. We were informed late on 30th September that Quixie TV has sustained heavy losses over the summer. So much so, they’ve had to sell the studio. We were off air yesterday, but from today, all of our shows will be broadcast either from our homes, from parked cars, or from disinfected caravans with plastic sheeting over the furniture. Continue reading The New Daytime Show: Naked In My Garden

A Giant Biscuit in Space

Giant Biscuit in Space

SHANDI B:
I am thrilled to announce that I have sailed through my audition for the lead role in the forthcoming cinematic thriller A Giant Biscuit in Space. Jennings Buptaitus is directing the movie, so it promises to be a truly riveting piece of cinema.

As I say, this has made me very, very happy, so please resist your pathological urge to comment and express an opinion on everything, as it invariably makes me want to ram raid a technology store, fill a truck with Internet-compatible devices, and then drive it into a canal. Continue reading A Giant Biscuit in Space

Official blog of the interactive TV chat host whose urine was lost by the Metropolitan Police

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